


A Sorta Fairytale

by elluvias



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AND SWEET, But mostly fluff, Fili totally thinks Bilbo's a fairy, M/M, and cuddles, and full of friggin' fluff, and it's going to be adorable, and rainbow vomits, but i do know it will mainly be bilbo and fili, dunno if i will add kili in to the mix as well, up until i decide angst needs to happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-10
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-18 08:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/877917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elluvias/pseuds/elluvias
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili met his One as a child while his family travelled through the Shire. It was a brief encounter, strange, but forever seared into his mind as all first encounters dwarves have with their Ones are. Unusual as it is for a dwarf of the line of Durin to have their One outside their race, Fili isn't too bothered by the fact. How many dwarves can say their One is a fairy? None that Fili knows of, that's for certain.</p>
<p>Now he is on a quest to reclaim his homeland (and kingdom, because if he is going to wed his fairy he wants his fairy to have the best) with his family, friends, and fairy by his side. The greatest problem Fili now faces isn't the continuous near death experiences or the dragon looming over the end of their quest. It's trying to keep The Company from realizing their burglar isn't a hobbit but a fairy (and convincing his fairy that it's okay to admit he's a fairy because Fili knows and really all that 'I'm a hobbit' nonsense isn't going to work on him at all).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fili Meets His Fairy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Salvia_G](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salvia_G/gifts).



“Hi!”

The cheerful voice right behind him startled Fili from his hiding place. The dwarfling yelped as he flailed, spinning around as he fell unceremoniously out of the bush and onto his bottom. Blue eyes focused on the intruder and Fili felt his poor brain stutter to a halt as confused awe replaced any irritation he felt.

It was a fairy.

Golden curls were a beautiful halo around a soft face of the prettiest person Fili had ever seen in his life. That was including his amad and his cousin’s Gloin’s wife. Fili couldn’t even tell if the fairy was a boy or a girl, the beardless face held no distinguishing features Fili could pinpoint. All the fairy was was pretty, the sort of pretty that Fili had heard the elves possessed. Except the fairy before him obviously wasn’t an elf, they were far too small to be one.

“I’m Bilbo Baggins! You’re new! You look new anyway. Are you new? I think you are. Why are you wearing boots? Are your feet okay? They’re really small. Do you want to be my friend?”

Fili was overwhelmed for a moment by the onslaught of words. The chatter was friendly, exuberant even, as the fairy…Bilbo threw caution to the wind and approached him. Fili wanted to snap at him for his foolishness. Didn’t he know better than to approach strangers? What if Fili wasn’t friendly? What if Fili had meant to hurt him or worse capture him and take him prisoner? What would the little fairy do then? Fili was bigger and probably stronger and he could so easily do something bad but he wouldn’t. Not when Bilbo knelt down onto the ground with him, hazel eyes warm and curious and filled with kindness as he invaded Fili’s personal space like he wasn’t aware it existed at all in the first place.

“Fili, son of Dis, a-at your service.”

It was like in those few minutes Bilbo had placed a spell on him. That wasn’t out of the question for Bilbo was a fairy and fairies had magic. Why he would do such a thing eluded Fili, yet there it was. Bilbo had put a spell on him and he was helpless.

Bilbo also had a smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks, Fili could see them now and count them even. Did fairies have freckles? The stories his amad told him never seemed to indicate that they did, but Fili wasn’t sure Dis had actually ever encountered a fairy up close before.

“You don’t look like a hobbit.”

Hobbit…

The word brought up a hazy image in Fili’s mind. The dwarfling had never met one before, though Uncle Thorin said that they were passing through hobbit territory. Was this fairy beholden to the hobbits? Was he bound to their land? If he was Fili would free him. Nothing so beautiful should be caged by a people so weak and soft as hobbits.

“I’m not. I’m a dwarf.”

“A dwarf?”

Bilbo gasped looking giddy and excited. Fili found himself with a lapful of fairy as the tiny one reverently touched his face, petting his wispy beard and examining his rounded ears as if they were the most fascinating things in the entire world. The fairy had given him his heart back but it was wrong, it felt far too big for his chest to hold and heat was creeping up his neck and to his cheeks.

“Bilbo! Bilbo where are you, you silly faunt?”

A woman’s voice, warm and sweet called out. Fili’s fairy’s head turned towards the sound. Definitely a fairy, for Fili got to see a beautiful leaf shaped ear mostly hidden in Bilbo’s golden curls. The dwarfling reached up and grabbed Bilbo, pulling him back into his chest protectively when the fairy made to stand up.

Bilbo didn’t seem surprised or startled by the dwarfling’s behavior. Instead he settled comfortably though his head was still turned.

“Over here Mama! I found a dwarf in Auntie Ruby’s gardenias!”

Fili almost felt bad for holding Bilbo in his grasp when his fairy identified the woman as not his evil hobbit captor but his mother. Now he wasn’t stealing the fairy away, he was just…making sure the fairy didn’t run off before his mother came to collect him.

It didn’t take long for the other fairy to come. She was a lovely one too, though Fili thought privately that Bilbo was prettier. Her face was kind and her eyes held mischief and she didn’t seem to be angry that her child was being held by a strange dwarf.

“Making a new friend, my sweetling?”

Bilbo nodded his head and happily snuggled into Fili.

“Yes! His name is Fili.”

“Hello Fili. I’m Belladonna.”

“Hello.”

This was overwhelming but wonderful. Two fairies. Two. _Fairies_. Talking to him. If this wasn’t a sign that he was truly supposed to be Uncle Thorin’s heir then Fili didn’t know what would be. Well maybe Durin the Deathless coming back and announcing that Fili was supposed to be King one day would be better, more dwarvish, but Fili rather preferred having fairies. They smelt a great deal better than most of his kin.

“Fili! Fili! Where are you?!”

Fili startled when he heard his Uncle’s voice calling for him. Bilbo made a small noise of protest when his new friend jumped, and it grew to a disgruntled whine when Fili let go of him and scrambled to get up. The dwarfling wanted to pull Bilbo back into his arms, perhaps even take Bilbo with him to meet Thorin (and Bilbo’s mother could come too). Except, his mind pointed out, Uncle Thorin wasn’t the most gracious nor polite of dwarves when it came to strangers. Amad had pointed out time and time again in her stories that being rude to fairies was _bad_ that they could play horrible tricks or curse you in revenge. Fili didn’t want Uncle Thorin to have a trick played on him or worse. Even if by some strange stroke of luck Uncle Thorin was polite when meeting the fairies would Uncle Thorin let Fili keep Bilbo? Or would his Uncle decide that Bilbo was to be his because he was King and Bilbo was beautiful?

No, Fili realized with a heavy heart, he would have to leave his fairy behind for now.

“I have to go.”

Fili said the words in a rush, even as he reached up into his hair and took out one of his metal clasps. He thrust it into Bilbo’s hand, making sure the fairy’s fingers curled around the gift before he began to move in the direction of Uncle Thorin’s voice.

“I’ll come back I promise.”

With that Fili left his fairy behind with Belladonna. He would keep their existence safe, he wouldn’t tell anyone of their meeting. It was the only way, Fili knew, that he could ensure that they would still be there when he returned. For he would return and he would meet his fairy again, and maybe…if he was astoundingly lucky, he would be able to convince Bilbo to become his consort.


	2. As Expected Something Goes Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili is an adorable noodlebrained doofus.

A romantic fool. An utter Tookish idiot. A silly daydreamer who was far far too old to still be doing this.

Bilbo carefully touched the thin chain around his neck, dwarvish make, as beautiful as it was practical. Practiced fingers clasped the silver hair bead, his fingertips running over the familiar ridges that decorated it. Almost forty years he’d held onto this silly trinket. Forty years of waiting for a dwarf he had met for less than five minutes but felt that he owed everything in the world.

He should get rid of it. He should go down the lane and to the market and finally take Miss Gooseberry up on her offer for an evening walk. They could then have more walks, then a shared meal or two, and eventually dance under the party tree and begin courtship. Bilbo should stop all this nonsense and become a fully respectable hobbit with a wife and herd of fauntlings.

Instead he tucked the bead and chain back under his shirt.

Even though it was a painfully silly notion, utterly ridiculous, that Bilbo’s dwarf would come back to the Shire at last and make good on his promise to return Bilbo couldn’t find it in his heart to move on. It wasn’t that he was in love with the golden haired dwarf who had given him the bead. There hadn’t been enough time for that, at least Bilbo was certain there hadn’t been enough time for that. Not even a promise had been made by the dwarf to woo him or anything of the like, but Bilbo’s stubborn heart had decided that he was the dwarf’s and no one else’s.

Bilbo couldn’t even remember a _name_. All he had was a bead and the clear image of an older boy, one with golden hair and bright blue eyes with soft downy fluffy on his face. One who had held him close like Bilbo was going to up and fly away. Which to be honest was a fairly decent fear to be had, Bilbo had always been wandering off adventuring and making new friends. There was never such a thing as a ‘stranger’ and he had been picked up more than once by a friendly Ranger and dropped back to his home to his mother’s ever amused smiles and his father’s good natured fretting.

This was just one of many moments in which Bilbo wished with aching intensity for his dwarf to come back and to fix what had happened between them all those years ago.

It was a wish he would regret making this night.

**

“The Shire Kili!”

Fili’s hands were thrown out wide as he rode his pony, trying and failing to stop laughing like a lovesick lunatic. How could anyone blame him for his joy? He was in the Shire, the _Shire_ where his beautiful fairy resided. Surely Uncle Thorin would let Fili have some time after they met at the Burglar’s house to find his One once more and promise his fairy a kingdom and a crown. He would make sure his fairy had a way to contact Dis, for there was nothing on Eru’s green earth that would allow Fili to bring his precious beautiful fairy along with him to Erebor.

It was far too dangerous. What if the dragon decided that the treasure of Erebor wasn’t good enough when confronted with a fairy. Smaug would obviously pick the fairy over the treasure, steal him away, and Fili would have to go on a second quest to rescue his One.

No, Fili would give his fairy a way to contact Dis and when they reclaimed Erebor Dis would be able to collect his fairy and bring him to the mountain safe and secure.

“Yes, the _Shire_ Fili.”

Kili’s voice was nowhere near joyous enough for this occasion. In fact he sounded irritated, bored, and quite possibly close to throwing something at his elder brother. Fili knew that he had perhaps been a bit too chatty over the glories of the Shire, with its beautiful green rolling hills and peaceful atmosphere. The inherent magic that permeated the entire land was nothing to scoff at, even though he had kept his mouth shut over his chance encounter with the Shire fairies as a child and called them ‘hobbits’, it was obvious this place was special. That it was protected. Why look there were children frolicking to his right!

Frolicking children in a meadow!

Or were they adults?

It was hard to tell with hobbits.

Either way they were frolicking and looking quite happy and that was what mattered, not their age. For it was the Shire and everything was wonderful and glorious here.

Fili hoped that having his fairy take up residence in the mountain would help undo whatever nastiness that Smaug had left. Well except for the dragon poo, Fili wasn’t going to make his fairy clean up the dragon poo or the corpses. That would be highly unsanitary and beneath his fairy’s station as betrothed to the crown prince. His fairy could go do other things, like perhaps help people in Dale. Surely a fairy’s touch to the land would help right any wrongs that Smaug had left. Then perhaps one day the mountain would be as green and homey as the Shire.

Falling into his own mind Fili didn’t notice or care the queer looks the hobbits sent him as he grinned and cackled as his mind spun tales of the glorious romance he was going to start with his special fairy. Fili also didn’t notice the long suffering look of despair that Kili was giving him, because it should be _Kili_ not Fili acting like a lunatic. Fili was the solid one, the mature one, but from the moment their ponies had crossed into the Shire the older brother Kili so adored was gone and now Kili had to be _responsible_.

Hopefully Mr. Boggins wasn’t going to be too put out by Fili’s sudden onset of insanity. They needed a burglar and the sooner Mr. Boggins signed the contract the sooner Fili would be let loose to go hunt down his One like a starving ravenous wolf hunted down a three legged deer with one eye. No chance of escape or survival, Fili’s One had best be prepared for a peaceful surrender and acceptance that he was Fili’s heart and soul.

It was just after dusk when Fili and Kili made their way to Bag End.

The door opened to a hobbit, older than Fili and Kili in appearance, a disapproving and distressed noise coming from the back of his throat as he spied two new dwarves on his doorstep. Neither prince gave themselves time to examine the hobbit closer, some sembalance of good manners had rubbed off on them and it wouldn’t do to delay their introduction by gawking.

“Fili”

“And Kili”

“ _At your service_.”

“You must be Mr. Boggins!”

Kili’s smile was wide as Fili stared at the hobbit in front of them, confidence and self assurance wafting off the blond dwarf in waves. This may not be his fairy (though Fili was certain they were related, for they shared the same eyes and hair) but this ‘hobbit’ was probably related to him. It would take very little for Fili to persuade the hobbit to help him find his fairy.

“Nope! You can’t come in! You’ve come to the wrong house.”

Fili and Kili felt something shatter in their hearts as the adorable hobbit (not hobbit) began to close the door in their faces. Dark brown eyes took on the look of a bedraggled beaten puppy as Kili stopped the door from closing.

“What? It’s been _cancelled_?”

“No one told us.”

Fili’s confidence was wavering. What if the fairy had decided that they weren’t worthy of being here? What if the fairy refused to help him find Bilbo? What would Bilbo think if Fili never came for him? He had _promised_. Kili’s face reflected his brother’s in distress. No! The hobbit couldn’t be turning them away. What would they do without a burglar? What would they do without something so pretty with them? They needed entertainment! Kili needed a distraction from his brother’s recent bout of lovesick insanity.

“What? No. Nothing’s been cancelled.”

The brothers sighed in relief as they somewhat forcibly forced themselves into the smial. Fili began to unload his weapons on the fairy, hoping that the array would impress and convince the fairy that Fili was strong and worthy of protecting young Bilbo. His weapons were of excellent make, they were well cared for, and sharp. Hopefully the fairy would see that Fili was a strong and honorable warrior and had something to give to his younger relative that hopefully lived very close so Fili could go pledge himself quite soon.

When Fili saw the Dwalin and Balin were already there his heart eased more. They were excellent dwarves to give a first introduction. Dwalin strong and loyal with obvious combat experience and a modicum of manners, and Balin clever and silver tongued who knew how to put just about anyone at ease. Balin of course had come first to ease the way for Dwalin’s somewhat intimidating bulk. If it had been the other way ‘round….no of course it hadn’t. Everyone knew that while Dwalin was an exceptional specimen of khazad kind he was not always the best to be the very first impression for he could come off as gruff and intimidating….though with far more manners and a sense of societal cues than Uncle Thorin.

Mahal bless Thorin he had a heart of mirthril and the fighting proweress of Durin the deathless, but he could get lost in a one lane road and had the manners of an injured bear in heat.

Leaving their host to his devices Fili jumped at the chance to help. The more he made himself useful in the eyes of their fairy host, the more likely he would be able to convince Mr. Boggins to show him where Bilbo was.

It was only after Fili heard the next set of knocking did he begin to pay attention about something other than his current task of setting up the dining room. Mr. Boggins was ranting, though it was without any real heat and seemed far more amusing that worrisome. Well at least until Fili heard the door being opened and the sound of what seemed to be several dwarves falling into Mr. Boggins’ smial. 

“ _ **Gandalf**_ ”

The ‘hobbit’ had said the wizard’s name in such a way that the exuberance from before was washed away with cold dread.

Something had just gone horribly wrong.


	3. Arson is Not The Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will apologize upfront for any disjointed or rambling or general nonsensicalness going on. I'm literally day three on a migraine and I feel a lot less with it today than I have the last two.

Fili did not hear what he just heard. Nope. It was utterly wrong. He was wrong. Gandalf was wrong. Mr. Boggins was even more wrong for answering to that name. Fili had to have misheard. He simply had to. Bilbo Baggins was young closer to Kili’s age than to Fili’s. He was young, he was an almost adult. Not quite there yet, not old enough to truly feel the Longing deep inside his soul and bones. Not old enough yet to do more than kiss and fumble. Bilbo Baggins was a _fairy_ he probably aged slower than Fili and Kili did and Fili had been preparing himself for years that maybe his One was going to be much younger than he anticipated when he came back to the Shire to claim him.

Bilbo Baggins was _young_.

Not….not someone who looked to be as old as Bofur or Nori. Not someone who was still in their prime but the flush of youth having faded away into something a little more care worn. Not someone who looked frazzled and irritated and more than a tad wary of all the strangers who had come to his home. Not someone who seemed to wear the same sort of resigned loneliness that Uncle Thorin did in the corner of his eyes and the tilt of his mouth and the way that his eyes seemed to ache.

Fili had been foolish! Stupid! Having Uncle Thorin tricked by a fairy would have been preferable to seeing his One under such a curse. It had to be a curse that sapped away at his fairy’s life and energy, aging him prematurely. Is that what happened to all fairies in the Shire? Was the price of the idyllic rolling hills and peaceful plentiful land the age and power of the fae who lived there?

Nonononono Bilbo would not be staying here. Fili was going to bundle his fairy up the first chance he got and send him to the Blue Mountains to mother. Mother would be able to take care of his fairy properly while Fili went with his family to make sure their kingdom was retaken in a timely manner (it wouldn’t be if Fili didn’t go, Uncle Thorin would keep getting lost and they’d probably end up in Mordor rather than Erebor). Taking a step forward Fili began to reach out to grab his One.

Only to have Dwalin shove two mugs of ale into his hands and shove him towards the dining room.

Why was Dwalin making him help out when Fili was in the midst of an emotional crisis and trying to figure out how to save Bilbo from his captivity? At first Fili had thought this was a lovely home, suited for a fairy. Fairies lived underground, as everyone knew, and certainly the hobbits would have wanted to make their resident fairies feel at home. Now as Fili looked at the walls and comfortable knick knacks he began to realize that this wasn’t a home. No, it was a pretty prison made for a fairy. Something to keep them happy, but still taking away their freedom. Holding and binding them to this land.

Would burning the smial help free Bilbo?

Or would it cause some sort of horrible curse to be triggered?

And Fili didn’t know what within the smial was irreplaceable for the fae. Did Bilbo have any thing he needed to keep close to him at all times? What about mementos of his family?

Fili couldn’t burn down the smial without talking to Bilbo first. Besides there would be little to no time to set the fire up and save anything Bilbo wanted saved. Regretfully Fili put his dreams of arson aside as he pretended to be entirely fine, put together, and quite happy to be partaking in Bilbo’s pantry.

The prince was careful to keep up his conversation with the other dwarves while simultaneously keeping an eye on Bilbo. The protective instincts that all dwarves had towards their Ones was kicked into overdrive for Fili. Bilbo was upset and ill at ease, fretting as he fluttered around his smial and checking all his belongings while the dwarves supped at his table. Didn’t Bilbo need to eat? Fili should bring him to the table, except Fili was feeling worried. What if it was one of the other dwarves that was upsetting Bilbo? Which one? Could Fili pinpoint which dwarf had brought about the frantic almost fearful look to Bilbo’s pretty face.

He idly wondered if Bilbo still had those lovely freckles on his nose and cheeks like he had had as a child. The lighting was dim and really they had been faint on Bilbo’s skin as a child, barely noticeable until Bilbo had invaded Fili’s personal space. Maybe it was the same? Fili wouldn’t mind trying to get close again to count them, maybe even try to see if there were constellations there. Mother had always said that freckles were the stars of someone’s skin. How many stars did Bilbo have now? Were they just located on his face or did he have others in more hidden places?

Preoccupied with his thoughts dinner passed quickly for him. When almost all the food had been eaten, with just enough left over for Thorin that had been set aside, and it was time to clean up Fili didn’t realize that his fairy being bound to the Shire was his biggest problem of the evening. No. There was an even greater threat soon presented before him.

Bofur.

Now Fili could say with absolute certainty that he liked the miner. It was hard not to like Bofur with his genial smiles, quick wit, and twinkling eyes full of mischief. It also didn’t hurt that Bofur had a heart of gold. Bofur was a good friend and companion and anyone would be lucky to have him.

Except Bilbo.

Fili knew that Bilbo hadn’t seen Bofur undressing him with his eyes the first time. The second lingering look that travelled up and down the hobbit’s frame lazily was caught by the fairy. Bilbo’s reaction was immediate, he spluttered and turned a fetching shade of pink, his hand coming up to clasp at his neck while he floundered for words or something to do. Bofur’s smile grew predatory as he began to advance, and oh how Fili wished he had kept at least one knife on him so he could have thrown it at the miner.

Instead he did what all decent dwarves did when someone was checking out their One like they were a rump roast after a week of fasting.

Wrapping his arms possessively around Bilbo’s shoulders Fili set his chin atop Bilbo’s head as he glared and growled. The hobbit frozen in his grasp while Fili kept his focus on the miner. Bofur merely raised an amused eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips as he looked between Fili and Bilbo before raising his hands in surrender and walking back a few paces.  
**

“Excuse me! W-what are you doing?”

Bilbo had never felt so out of sorts in his life. A sudden surprise party that he had to play host to. Twelve dwarves and a wizard invading his home without even a ‘may I come in’. Then they pillaged his pantry, wrecked his home, and all the while he felt distress and panic curling soundly in his stomach.

This was his home. This was his safe space. Now it was…now it was invaded by dwarves. Not that Bilbo had anything against dwarves. Honestly he was still wearing the bead that he’d been given almost forty years ago. Bilbo just wished his dwarf was here. If he was, no matter his age, Bilbo trusted that his dwarf would at least be able to act as a translator and tell him if these dwarves were being rude on purpose of if this was what passed as high society and courtly manners.

Now the height of his evening was being visually undressed by the dwarf with a silly hat and very nearly seduced or potentially seduced only to end up in the arms of… Fili. Yes that was the dwarf’s name. Fili.

“Showing him that you’re under my protection.”

The dwarf didn’t seem to be giving any indication that he was going to be letting go of Bilbo anytime soon. Which should be far more terrifying than it was, because there was something oddly…safe about being in Fili’s arms. Even if the dwarf was younger than him, he felt strong, solid, and…Oh by the Green Lady he was starting to lust after a tween like some dirty old pervert. This was wrong, this was wrong. Fili should be letting go of him right this second because it was making Bilbo imagine things. Imagine all sorts of wrong and terrible and absolutely amoral things.

“I am not under your protection!”

Bilbo spluttered out, trying to wiggle his way out of Fili’s embrace.

“You are. You’re mine so I protect you.”

Fili’s voice was filled with confidence. It was as if he knew without a doubt he was allowed to do this, to claim ownership over Bilbo like he was some trinket and not some person.

“I am my own person and I don’t belong to anyone.”

“You’re my One.”

Fili moved his head, tilting it to the side he nuzzled Bilbo’s curls like a giant cat. He even purred in appreciation, though Bilbo wasn’t sure exactly what his was appreciating about his hair at the moment. Then again Fili was a dwarf and from what Bilbo knew of them they all had a bit of a thing for hair. Then Bilbo felt Fili moving his head down, feeling Fili’s breath ghosting across the tip of his ear.

“Don’t worry Bilbo. I know your secret and will keep it safe.”

Bilbo had to say that when Fili spoke like that, from deep in his chest like a rumble of distant thunder, that Bilbo couldn’t help but feel a heady rush of want flow through him. Fili’s voice and tone alone could have distracted him from the actual words.

“W-wait what secret? What do you know?”

There weren’t many secrets Bilbo had and most of them centered around the dwarven chain around his neck and the bead that rested against his skin. Some of his secrets were about childhood pranks played upon others or little things he had pilfered from his relatives. None of these secrets would have really been known to anyone else save Bilbo.

“Your secret. I know we can’t properly talk about it right now, but I know. I know about you and I’ll protect you all the more fiercely because of it. Mahal at first I was surprised to realize you’d grown up so fast, Bilbo, but you’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I-I missing something aren’t I? I feel like we’re talking about two different things and we’re in two different conversations and you’re being particularly forward for just having met me, claiming me and all that nonsense.”

“First time?”

Fili’s embrace seemed to waver as his voice took a tone of uncertainty.

“Yes?”

“No.”

Bilbo could feel Fili frown as he loosened his grip just enough to turn Bilbo around. The hobbit watched as Fili seemed to search his face for something, blue eyes lingering on his nose and cheeks. Apparently Bilbo’s freckles made Fili happy. Which was all well and good for the dwarf but for the hobbit he was feeling quite adrift and utterly confused.

“This is the second time we’ve met, Bilbo. You found me in a gardenia bush hiding from my Uncle and I gave you my bead with a promise to return.”

“WHAT?”


	4. Always Blame The Wizard

That’s it. Bilbo was either losing his mind or he had suddenly become a pervy dwarven child ogler. Both seemed like a viable possibility at the moment. Clearly he had done something very very bad that he was unaware of and was placed in this situation to test his moral fiber. Which Bilbo was examining and realizing that it was threadbare, filled with moth holes, and smelt like his Great Aunt Ralfgo Baggins. Well Great Aunt Ralfgo was more like his Great Uncle but no one who had met him…her was willing to point out the discrepancies between body and manner. Great Aunt Ralfgo was a perfectly wonderful woman who smelt of moonshine, cheese, and cats. Actually Bilbo should send a letter to his Great Aunt, perhaps go over for tea. It would be good to strengthen the connection between the only other odd Baggins in the Baggins lot and find succor and support there.

By the Green Lady did he need tea.

He needed tea and quiet, some place to sit and to mull over how he had gone from mostly respectable to a monster in the span of less than a day.

Here he was a middle aged hobbit sitting and fretting and wishing for his golden dwarf to come back and…and fix what he had broken in Bilbo some forty years ago. Here he was imagining his dwarf to mirror him in his aging, wouldn’t he have a fine beard by now? What would his weapons of choice be? Was he a smith or a warrior or a merchant? Instead of a grown dwarf he was being held and nuzzled by a tween! A _tween_.

Bilbo was going to be sharing tea and scones with Morgoth at this rate. Perhaps he’d just flounce off into Mordor and see if he could get residence there. Obviously he had no place amongst the decent sort what with the warm flutter in his belly at feeling the dwarf’s arms tightening around him.

“You’re a…tween! A child! Unhand me this instant!”

“A what? I most certainly am not a child.”

Fili, Fili’s arms were like iron bands of steel around Bilbo’s waist and really that would have been perfectly alright under other more consensual circumstances but Bilbo was quite desperately requesting and craving space and air. The dwarf looked irritated at Bilbo’s request but then he seemed to see or sense that this was not Bilbo simply impugning upon his honor. That Bilbo was quite literally panicking with an ashen face and quickened breath. Fili’s arms dropped like Bilbo was some sort of poisonous creature and the hobbit skittered away like a spider sensing a newspaper just out of sight.

“Brother! What have you done to our fine Mr. Boggins?”

Kili appeared out of nowhere, at least to Bilbo he did. There had been nothing before and then suddenly a brown haired exuberant dwarf with a bright smile and adorable scruff had latched himself onto his brother and was sending a particularly dangerous look to the blond. Was it magic? Did dwarves just suddenly appear where they were least expected and mostly unwanted but undeniably useful?

“I’ve done nothing and apparently it’s _Baggins_ Kili.”

It was like watching a fire start in a hearth, it was dark for a moment then slowly little sparks could be seen flickering in the black, and suddenly the flame caught and it was burning big and bright. Kili’s face showed surprised comprehension, the new tidbit of knowledge shining in his dark eyes.

“Baggins? As in Bilbo Baggins? As in _your_ Bilbo Baggins?”

“I am nobody’s Bilbo Baggins except my own, thank you _very_ much.”

“He doesn’t know?”

Kili gasped as he looked at his brother as if Fili had committed some great crime unknowingly. Which really coming out of nowhere and holding him and talking to him in such a wonderfully rumbly voice should be a crime because it made Bilbo start thinking things no respectable hobbit ever thought about when concerning a tween. Bilbo hoped that Fili had ignited the warm pulse in his veins accidentally, it was much easier to forgive if he had. If he hadn’t…well Mordor was looking nicer and nicer. Certainly they needed someone to chronicle Mordor’s history or perhaps attempt to garden something. Maybe teach the Orcs the wonderful art of crochet, focus their minds on something other than all that war and death and destruction they so liked to wreak on others.

“I told him! He just doesn’t want to listen to me. He called me a child!”

“Well from my perspective you are one. Besides tell me what? Is it that I am ‘under your protection’ thing and that nonsensical part about ‘One’s? What am I ‘One’ of? That explained nothing to me! The only thing I know for certain is that we theoretically met about forty years ago, where you were older than me and gave me a bead and then left. Now suddenly I’m older than you and you’re younger than me and I have twelve dwarves and a wizard in my home who I do not remember inviting! I am not endeared! I am not amused! AND I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON!”

Bilbo stamped his foot as he waved his arms to articulate his point. His cheeks were red and his breath came out in puffs, and oh dear his Baggins manners had flown out the window to be replaced with Tookish temper. Growling at the two dwarves Bilbo pivoted on his foot and stormed into his kitchen, he glanced at the only other dwarf in the room trying to judge if he too was to be considered an annoyance and a threat.

The dwarf with his wild salt and pepper hair and gleaming axe in his for…wait. Wait there was an axe in his forehead. Did he get that while he was in Bag End?! Bilbo didn’t remember a fight breaking out. His anger came to a full stop as he stared at the dwarf, trying to examine the other for any other grevious wounds.

The dwarf spotted Bilbo’s stare and sighed. He barked out something in a language that Bilbo couldn’t even dream to understand. It was rough and rumbling, harsh to the ears, and it brought Bofur trotting into the kitchen.

“Aye Bifur?”

There were more words in the strange language with a few gestures added in for affects.

“Ah, alright then. My cousin couldn’t help but notice that you were staring at the axe in his head.”

“Yes. I’m sorry if it seemed rude but I hadn’t noticed it earlier when you all arrived and was wondering if he had somehow acquired it here?”

“Oh no Master Baggins. He’s had that awhile now. Don’t hurt him none, though it’s messed up his ability to speak anything other than Khuzdul.”

“Ooh.” Bilbo turned to Bifur, his cheeks still flushed. “I’m sorry for staring or if I made you uncomfortable. I was just worried about you. We don’t see injuries like that often in the Shire.”

Bofur smiled at Bilbo, his grin full of playful mischief mixed with a genuine sincerity. Bifur nodded at Bilbo and turned back to the sink, filling it up with sudsy water. It seemed, at least as if Bilbo was gathering context right, that Bifur was stared at quite often and not treated particularly well. Which was a shame, really, because Bofur had only said that Bifur’s speaking was impaired not his hearing or his thoughts. Even if he was an uninvited guest Bilbo wanted to treat him with courtesy, especially since Bifur so far hadn’t invaded his personal space nor had he done anything particularly strange or inappropriate.

With a sigh Bilbo got his tea kettle out and began to heat the water. It was soothing, the act of making tea. It was routine, almost repetitive, but in the end an art form that few outside the Shire seemed to grasp. Focusing on the task he managed to find a quiet spot to himself in a smial full of dwarves.

When the tea was done Bilbo lifted the aromatic rose and chamomile blend to his lips, ready to savor the calming brew and fortify his senses….

Then came a knock at the door.

“ _ **GANDALF**_ ”

Because really it was the wizard’s fault that Bilbo couldn’t have any nice things anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellu's Fairly Inaccurate Chapter Preview Where Fili Speaks Like A Cat On I Can Haz Cheezburger
> 
> Thorin: I do not approve of this hobbit, I think he is substandard  
> Bilbo: >(  
> Gandalf: I approve of this hobbit  
> Fili: MAH FAIRY IS THA BEST  
> Thorin: He looks totally unsuited for this venture  
> Fili: STAHP TALKING BADLY ABOUT MAH FAIRY HE IS PRETTEH AND A FAIRY  
> Thorin: I am still not swayed  
> Gandalf: If you want to make it to the mountain intact with clean pants you're taking the hobbit.  
> Thorin: ....Fine  
> Bilbo: Wait you want me to what? sdkfghksd Gandalf....FINE  
> Fili: YAAA- Wait....SHIT NO FAIRY NO THIS IS A DANGEROUS QUEST FAIRY YOU MIGHT GET HURT NOOOOOO *wails*  
> Thorin: I am surrounded by imbeciles.


End file.
